The Existence of Amy Read online

  I begin a response, but my mind can't settle on the right words. It really shouldn't be this hard to reply. It's a simple friendly text message, not some instruction to provide a well thought out argument debating the current political situation. But my brain just won't form words that make any sense.

  I'll reply tomorrow. I put my phone down and cocoon myself in my bed. The first vague feeling of something resembling happiness pops up when the thought crosses my mind that I might soon fall back to the previous night's dream.

  Chapter 7

  Day four is a repeat of day three. At least it's the weekend now so I don't have to deal with having to contact work.

  Around lunchtime Ed calls me but I don't pick up. I stare at my ringing phone and will it to stop.

  Early evening and he tries again. Again, I don't pick up. I just don't have words for people. Even for Ed. Maybe I have forgotten how to speak. It has been days now since I've said anything out loud.

  He sends a text.

  I'm a little worried. Can you just at least send a quick reply and let me know you're ok?

  I'm not deliberately ignoring him in some warped attempt to gain attention or because I don't care that people worry about me. It's partly the brain not forming words thing, and partly that I can't quite grasp that they are genuinely worried.

  I convince myself that even if their worry is genuine it will only be fleeting. They will be engaged in some fun activity when they are briefly reminded that they haven't seen me in a while and perhaps that is cause for concern. They'll send a quick message but then go back to their activity and all further thoughts will be void of my existence.

  Even when he has specifically spelled out his worry to me, I can't quite fathom that it's actually legitimate worry. Despite this, I sense a feeling that I should probably reply to him now. I still have the issue, however, of knowing exactly what to say.

  I am in a fragile state at this moment in time and he has asked if I'm ok. I'm really not ok. I don't want to lie to him. But how can I answer truthfully without causing him further concern. I know I have to be especially careful with my words to Ed because of something that's happened in the past. Thinking of this forces me into realisation that he definitely needs a reply.

  I guess these are moments when you do just lie. Lying is not always a bad thing. I just struggle to do it to Ed.

  Will be back soon.

  This suddenly pops into my head as a good response so it's what I send. I have not confirmed that I'm ok but neither have I lied. Hopefully it's enough.

  The weekend continues on with little activity, but gradual signs of it preparing to leave are popping up quite frequently so I know I am improving.

  Monday eventually arrives and I acknowledge that too many more days at home will be drifting into dangerous territory with work. They aren't going to accept the unexplained illness thing much longer. It will become a bigger deal and doctors will need to be involved in order to sign me off. Or worse.

  I know I'm not in that place. I am feeling somewhat better. But I also know not to push it, it has to leave in its own time.

  I let my boss know I should definitely be back tomorrow; I just think it would better to take this one more day.

  They thankfully accept what I have told them with relative ease, sparing me any further distress. I am perched in instability at the moment, I have limited reserves for needing to argue and fight over this, so I am grateful when none are required.

  Hopefully I can return to work tomorrow and all concerned will just treat this as a normal physical short-term illness I have suffered – some sort of virus that requires a little longer to be off sick for, but nothing anyone needs to genuinely seriously worry about.

  I can usually get away with this because so far, its visits have been quite short compared to what others suffering the same experience. I know I am quite lucky in this. If luck is even the right word.

  Maybe it doesn't stay very long because I'm not that great a host – a few days to a week and its gone.

  I'm still left with the other one annoyingly – that one has unfortunately become quite attached and settled. I'm not sure I can classify it as a visitor anymore since its well and truly moved in.

  Stayed beyond its welcome but it doesn't give a shit, it isn't leaving any time soon.

  Chapter 8

  The next day I do manage to successfully make it into work and when I arrive at the office Ben is at the elevator again.

  'You missed a good night out last week; shame you couldn't make it in the end.'

  'I know, I wish I could have come.' These words are not a lie at least.

  'I've got a day full of meetings today – think I'm going to need a lot of coffee to get me through. In fact, I might nip over the road to get some of the good stuff before heading up. Fancy coming?'

  'I would but I think I better go straight up. I've been off sick and will no doubt have a lot to catch up on.'

  'Oh, sorry to hear that. You'll probably need some help getting through the day too then – I can pick you up a coffee too and drop it at your desk if you like?'

  'That's so sweet, but really I'm fine.' And also, I don't drink coffee. But it seems like it might add unnecessary force to the rejection if I add in that fact, so I don't.

  'Ok, well if you change your mind, I'll probably be making several trips today so feel free to join.'

  We exchange smiles and he heads off back to the main door.

  As I exit the elevator on my floor I bump into Nathan.

  'Amy! So good to see you back. I was going to start attempting to cover your work, but you know I'm no good at the pretty pictures.'

  I smile. 'No, best you keep to the curly brackets.'

  He chuckles at our shorthand. Nathan is a coder and I am a designer. Neither of us really understands what the other one truly does so we reduce it to these more manageable ridiculous depictions.

  'Seriously though Ames, you have been missed around here. No one to laugh at my jokes. Ed has taken on the role of Mr Grumpy. And Sal… well, she's just moaning about the work backing up, but we know deep down there's a heart somewhere and she's missed you too.'

  'Thanks Nathan, I've missed you guys too.'

  When I reach my desk, I see Ed is already in and his expression on seeing me is a complex mixture of happiness, concern, and relief.

  'Hey, you're back.'

  'I am, yes.'

  'Good.' He looks at me as if debating on whether to try and talk about why I was off or whether it's better not to talk about it.

  I decide to rescue him from this anguish and ask him about work. He complies and starts catching me up on everything I've missed.

  It's not long before we are interrupted though as we are called into an impromptu team meeting.

  Once everyone is settled in the meeting room, Sally takes the lead and starts talking about an important upcoming piece of work. She informs us that it is going to involve working very closely with our Sydney office. As a result of this, the company has decided it would be good to get everyone together for initial planning.

  'So, how does everyone feel about a trip to beautiful Australia!?'

  'Well… if we absolutely must force ourselves to spend a couple of weeks in the sun, surf, and beautiful scenery then I will try and not complain too much I suppose.' Nathan responds.

  'Hilarious Nathan. I take it everyone agrees it will be amazing and is happy to go?'

  I do agree it will be amazing Sally. I'm just not so sure I'll be allowed to actually partake in the amazement. But I stay silent and just smile along with the collective agreement of the others.

  'Ok great, I will go ahead and start investigating flights then and be in touch with the details. Go forth and buy all the necessary sun appropriate attire no doubt missing from all our wardrobes.'

  There is a buzz of excitement around the office for the rest of the day. This I do at least get to partake in because I can exert a bit of pretending here. Not pretending to be excited – m
ore so, pretending that nothing will stop me from going on the trip.

  'You will go won't you?' Ed asks later when we're alone at our desks. 'I mean, I know it's a big trip and quite a trek to get there but Sydney's an amazing place, you'll love it there.'

  'I really want to. I just need to think about it.'

  'Don't do that. Maybe try not thinking about it? I think sometimes thinking gets you into trouble.'

  He is not wrong. Not wrong at all.

  I laugh my response to keep it light. 'Yes, that does sound like me doesn't it. Ok, I promise not to think.'

  I shouldn't use the word promise. But I do really want to try.

  Our conversation is cut short by Nathan and Sally returning from a meeting. Nathan informs us excitedly that he thinks he's just met his soul mate.

  I should clarify that pretty much every female Nathan meets he predicts to be his soul mate on first encounter.

  'Erm, what??' Sally reacts. 'She flat out rudely ignored you most of the meeting and the words she spoke to others were not entirely charming.'

  'I think she was just taken off guard by the spark charging between us.'

  'Let me guess, she was blonde, tall, with very pretty eyes.' Ed explains.

  Sally laughs. 'Spot on Ed.'

  'Bless you Nathan. Maybe try taking in the whole picture before assessing for soul mate status?' I suggest.

  'You guys don't get it. It's about the spark! I'm going to email her, send me her details Sal.'

  Sally rolls her eyes and ignores his request.

  I have viewed Nathan as pretty much single the whole time I've known him. He is not short of female attention and has had lots of relationships – just very brief relationships. He gets excited about their potential to be his soul mate but then seems to lose interest pretty quickly.

  Perhaps he's just good at realising when something isn't making him happy anymore and doesn't see the point in dragging it out. Where others may stick with something and give it more of a chance, he will opt instead for quickly moving on.

  He simply doesn't want to waste any time being vaguely unhappy if he can do something about it. Whether that ends up being to the detriment of his soul mate search I do not know. But I do not that he has always appeared consistently happy in the time I've known him so perhaps he has something good figured out.

  Chapter 9

  Once Sally starts investigating potential flights, she begins talking actual dates. She starts canvasing us all for our availability.

  Everyone lets her know specific dates they absolutely can't do, but I am deliberately vague and silent for most of these conversations.

  I have no prior commitments that would prevent me going but I'm also struggling to commit to saying this out loud. I am more drawn instead to keeping this as a possible excuse option for not going if I need it.

  I could suddenly remember a wedding of a distant cousin I had committed to attending ages ago and forgotten all about.

  I'm not sure if Sally can see my angle here or it's just the fact she likes everything properly and concisely confirmed and organised, but after a few days she says to me directly, 'Amy, I've just emailed you the dates it's looking like I am going to book – can you triple check them with your diary please and email me your confirmation to say they are definitely good for you?'

  I glance at the email and notice it is addressed only to me. This, along with the fact she's discussing this with me when no one else is around, makes me conclude it's fair to say she has indeed seen my angle and is going to force the matter. We are sat inches from each other so we could easily have simply spoken words of confirmation, yet she has opted for email as her chosen method of correspondence because she wants proof.

  Unfortunately, she hasn't chosen her time quite wisely enough because Ed suddenly appears back at his desk and he's just in time to overhear our conversation.

  He sits down and after appearing to check his email says, 'Sal, I don't seem to have got your email, can you forward it again?'

  She starts to appear annoyed and answers shortly, 'I already know the dates are fine with you.'

  'Right, ok great.' He answers not questioning yet what is really going on.

  I completely understand why she's doing this. I do. I have pushed her into treating me this way. I know all this, but my reaction is to meet her with my own feelings of annoyance. On account of this I can't help myself but to rebel against her request and simply answer verbally instead. 'Those dates are fine with me.'

  She looks at me as if wondering how to play her next move. She's not in the mood to give in so she answers, 'Great, pop that in an email back to me and I'll go ahead and book the dates.'

  Ed looks up, 'Huh? She's just told you the dates are fine, yet you still want her to email you? You're taking this digital communication thing a bit far aren't you?' he says jokingly. He's still not quite worked out yet what's going on. He's still in the light confusion stage.

  She looks exasperated now. She is annoyed he has got involved. 'Yes, I want her to email me her confirmation ok?'

  'But you didn't ask me to do that?'

  'No, I didn't. But you I can rely on.' She explains bluntly.

  He gets it now.

  I stay silent.

  Ed sighs. 'You're being ridiculous. Amy does not need to email you. Just go and book the flights.'

  'Just stay out of it Ed, it's none of your business what I ask or don't ask Amy to do.'

  They are glaring at each other now. Great Amy, now look what you're causing.

  'It's fine.' I finally interject. 'I will email you Sally, don't worry.'

  'No don't Amy. She's being totally out of order.'

  'It's fine, just relax ok. If she wants an email so desperately, I will send her the fricking email.'

  I go ahead and do just that.

  It's wrong of me to direct my annoyance at Sally, I am aware. I just really can't seem to stop myself.

  We are all completely silent for the next hour, bubbling in our collective cloud of annoyance, pretending to be engrossed in work.

  Ed eventually breaks the silence when he turns to me and says, 'Fancy taking a long lunch break with me? Think I might go check out that new photo exhibition I was telling you about the other day.'

  He sees me thinking before quickly continuing on, 'It's not too far, walking distance I promise.' He doesn't know exactly why but he knows if I can walk somewhere I am more likely to be persuaded to go.

  It would be good to get away from this horrible tension, and given it's lunch time I've only endured half a day of struggle so it's easier (marginally anyway) to summon some energy to attempt something new.

  'Ok sure.' I answer before allowing myself to think on it any longer.

  'Great!' he beams back at me. 'Let's leave in five?'

  'Sounds good.'

  Chapter 10

  Once we're out of the office and a little way along the street I say, 'Sorry you got dragged into all that with Sally. It was very sweet of you to try and defend me.'

  'No worries. She was being totally ridiculous.'

  I don't want to turn this into a being mean to Sally conversation, so I don't dwell on it any longer and instead change the subject to some work we've been doing.

  We chat for a while on that before spending what is, for the most part, an enjoyable visit walking round the photo exhibition.

  We discuss each piece in depth and work out what inspiration we will take from it, if any. We don't always agree on what we consider good and not so good but that's part of the joy of experiencing this with Ed. He makes me look at things differently and appreciate perceptions I had never considered before.

  We are engrossed in discussion of one particular piece when a man appears at my side with two chairs. 'I'm just setting these out in a few places round the exhibition. This piece is proving quite popular and I can see you two have been here a little while so here – please do sit.'

  I look down at the chairs and see they are old, worn, and covered in
what I hope is paint stains, but I can't of course be sure. There is no way I can sit on one of them. His gesture to put out chairs for people is such a kind one, I know I should graciously accept. But I can't.

  'Oh, thank you, that's kind but I'm fine standing.' I reply.

  He seems confused by this, perhaps wondering if I'm just being polite as I think he's brought me is own personal chair or something. I'm not sure, but he continues on, 'Please, really, these seats are for visitors – do sit and enjoy the piece a little longer.' Maybe his angle is just to get people to appreciate the work for even longer.

  'Really, thank you, but I'm honestly fine standing.'

  He forms this almost hurt look on his face as though I have been rude in rejecting his offer. Seriously, it's just a chair, does he have to make such a big deal? I don't think I have been rude but if he continues on it won't be long before it comes out, because rudeness unfortunately always wins over sitting somewhere I don't want to sit.

  Thankfully Ed steps in before the crazy has time to take over and says, 'Thanks mate, we're actually just moving on, so we'll leave these for the next people.'

  He guides me away and tries to make light of it by saying to me, 'Wow, he really took his chair distributing job seriously didn't he.'

  I smile but I don't feel any happiness behind it. I try to tell myself this isn't a big deal. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to sit in chairs. The issue in my head is bigger though. Here is a person who had gone to the trouble of showing me a kind act and I had to reject it.

  This is far from an isolated incident. Granted they don't all involve chairs, but I am often in situations where I have to reject kindness because the kind act becomes twisted in my head to translate to something inducing alarm. Very far from the intended niceness.

  This makes me incredibly sad because people don't understand. Why would anyone reject a kind act? It makes no sense to them. So, they can only assume I must be rude. I must be ungracious and unappreciative.